What can be done for the relationship cold?  Well the answer is not that simple.  Relationships grow out of being a certain kind of person.  We must focus on who we are in our relationships.  Here are a few things to consider when trying to cure a relationship cold:

Be Able To See Another Point Of View

To build good relationships, people have to learn to see the world from another person’s perspective.  The fancy word for this is “empathy,”.   When you take the time to really look at another person’s journey,  you can begin to understand why they might react, feel, and think the way they do in the relationship.  

Learn To See People On Their Level

Do you find yourself annoyed because you feel your significant other should “know better” and you are waiting for them to see the light and change?  Is that person open to change or do they believe they are ok the way they are?  You will constantly disappoint and annoy yourself when you expect a person to give a level 10 performance in the relationship when all they have ever provided was level 7.   A person can only work with the tools that are in their toolbox. If there have been no upgrades to their tool set, they will only have old tools to use.   Remember that.

Listen With Your Ears Not Your Mouth 

At the heart of every good relationship is the ability to listen.  Listening is the art of hearing the message and the emotion tied to what a person is saying.  When you listen you communicate, non-verbally, that you care and the person is important enough to be heard. Talking over people, jumping to conclusions, telling people how they should and should not feel, is not good listening.  People who have good relationships take the time to hear what the other person is saying.  They also know how to respond. Sometimes a simple reflection of “I think I hear you saying….” or “From your tone it seems that really upset you…” can really make a positive difference.

Be Someone Who Is Safe 

Relationships are built on trust, which includes feelings of security.  If people do not feel safe, there is no hope of them ever opening up fully.  There are ways to practice safety with your words and actions.  Don’t make promises that can not easily be kept,  do not physically harm the other, and do not use revenge.

When The Going Gets Tough, Don’t Be The First One Trying To Leave

**If your idea of “ When The Going Gets Tough” means a domestic violence situation, then this section does not apply to you. You must think of YOUR SAFETY FIRST.**

If we are mature enough, relationship illness can lead to a deeper, more genuine, and more authentic relationship than before.  In conflict, we are faced with harsh realities that exist within our relationship dynamic. We have the option to destroy the negatives,  as a team with our significant other,  and gain a deeper understanding of how to keep our relationship healthy.

Knows When To Call It Quits

Sometimes a relationship is terminally ill.  If you are in a relationship where you are constantly trying to win the person’s approval,  never feel loved or accepted,  try to pay back hurt for hurt,  don’t feel like changing, then the relationship is probably not a good one.  Recognize when it is time to part ways and start a new journey before the situation create severe emotional and/or physical damages that limit you, your gifts, and your life purpose. 

This blog post aims to provide information about bipolar disorder, suggest how family and friends can help someone with bipolar, and provide resources to continue the journey of support and care.

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, causes severe changes in a persons mood, thinking, and behavior. These changes are more than just “mood swings”. These changes are so intense that they interfere with your ability to function in multiple environments.  The cycles of bipolar disorder can last for days, weeks, or months.

Bipolar disorder can look different in different people. The symptoms vary widely in their pattern, severity, and frequency. Some people experience more mania, while others more depression. Some people alternate equally between the two types of episodes. Some have frequent mood disruptions, while others experience only a few over a lifetime.

During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quit a job, spend large amounts of money, stay up for hours cleaning, or have outbursts of anger. During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed, feel hopelessness over being unemployed and in debt, or even be suicidal (in severe cases).  The causes of bipolar disorder aren’t completely understood, but it often runs in families. 

Common signs and symptoms of mania include:

• Feeling unusually “high”, excitable, and optimistic OR feeling extremely irritable
• Unrealistic, “grandiose” beliefs about one’s abilities or powers
• Sleeping very little, but feeling extremely energetic
• Talking so rapidly that others can’t keep up
• Racing thoughts; jumping quickly from one idea to the next
• Highly distractible, unable to concentrate
• Impaired judgment and impulsiveness
• Acting without thinking about the consequences
• Delusions and hallucinations (in severe cases)

Common symptoms of bipolar depression include:

• Feeling hopeless, sad, or empty.
• Irritability
• Inability to experience pleasure
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Physical and mental sluggishness
• Appetite or weight changes
• Sleep problems
• Concentration and memory problems
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Bipolar disorder is not only hard on the person experiencing it. It can be very difficult for the friends and family who love the individual with the disorder, as they often experience the consequences of the manic and depressive behaviors too. 

Most people with bipolar disorder can stabilize their moods with proper treatment, medication, and support—so if your friend or family member has bipolar disorder, do not lose hope! Your part in their recovery is just as important as the part they play in their own recovery.

Here are some ways you can help a person with bipolar disorder:

• Learn about bipolar disorder. The more you know about bipolar disorder, the better prepared you’ll be to help your loved one and keep things in perspective.

• Encourage the person to get help but don’t diagnose them. Sometimes a person may feel ashamed, nervous, or scared about possibly having a mental health diagnosis and resist going to the doctor.  If you you are aware that the person knows something is not right but will not seek help, you may be able to get them to go by pointing out the symptoms that are interrupting their life. For example, suggest seeing the doctor due to lack of energy and not wanting to get out of bed, staying up for days, frequent irritability, or, change in eating habits etc.  Then you can call the doctor’s office to let them know of your concerns, IF you are a spouse, close family member, or have been given other permission by the person to go to the appointment with them.

• Be understanding.Let your friend or family member know that you’re there if he or she needs someone to listen, encouragement, or assistance with treatment. Remind the person that you care and that you’ll do whatever you can to help.

• Be patient. Getting better takes time, even when a person is committed to treatment. Don’t expect a quick recovery or a permanent cure. Be patient with the pace of recovery and prepare for setbacks and challenges. Managing bipolar disorder is a lifelong process.

• Take Care of Yourself! Don’t lose sight of your own goals and priorities. Don’t give up friendships, plans, or activities that bring you joy. Get your own support for the emotional struggles this may take you through.  Talk to someone you trust or join a support group for friends and family of people with bipolar disorder. Be realistic about your own limits, don’t overextend yourself. Giving more than we can, can cause burn-out and resentment.

• Know when to call 911 If  the person you are trying to help becomes violent or suicidal, DO NOT try to handle it by yourself.  It may be that the person you care for is in need of hospitalization to get stable and that is a job for medical professionals.

Additional resources on bipolar disorder:
Mood Tracking
Create Treatment Contract
Resource Page (section under “Bipolar Disorder”)

We cannot escape anxiety altogether, nor should we try. Anxiety is like gasoline: splashed on the floor, it’s dangerous; used properly, it’s a powerful fuel. If you learn how to turn excessive worry into healthy concern, you have the opportunity to meet challenges boldly, effectively, and creatively.

So what happens to our bodies when we experience anxiety?

Brain – When our brain anticipates danger, it sends a message to the autonomic nervous system, this creates a “fight or flight” response. Our body is preparing to either stay and defend itself or run away.  Therefore the body releases adrenaline in preparation for action.   At this time you may experience headaches, memory trouble, thoughts of despair, anger, irritability, and/or sadness.

Muscles – Your muscles start to contract or tense up when you become anxious. This may cause pain in the chest, shoulders, neck, and/or back regions. Your heart is also a muscle. In times of increased anxiety, you may experience increased heartbeat.

Stomach/Intestinal areas – During times of high anxiety, the body sends blood to the muscles in order to supply them with the oxygen for “fight or flight” responses.  A major area for blood travel is the stomach, around the digestive tract.  Blood is sent there to absorb nutrients from the food we eat.  As blood is carried away from the stomach, the digestion slows down and the muscles around the stomach can become knotted.  This can cause stomach pains, indigestion, decrease or increase of appetite, heartburn, and diarrhea or constipation.

What are some ways that you can naturally manage anxiety?  Here are several suggestions that you may find helpful:

BREATHE  SLOWLY
Relaxation is associated with a reduced rate of breathing.  Take deep long breathes that cause your stomach to rise. Release the breathe slowly and repeat.

TALK IT OUT
Express your thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend, family member or therapist.

EAT RIGHT
A balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, legumes, fish, olive oil, nuts and whole grains lowers the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline.

Limit or avoid caffeine. It can make you feel jittery and nervous.

AVOID SMOKING
Nicotine can worsen anxiety

SPIRITUALITY
With our culture of instant gratification, bigger is better, and advertisements that encourage you to be unhappy with what you currently have, many people are feeling inadequate if they can’t keep up.  ”People are terribly afraid of being ordinary.” Counter these fears with methods that have been time-tested. Praying, meditating, journaling, and quiet time.  Connecting to something larger than yourself will help you release the need to control every aspect of a situation.

GET MOVING
Exercise generates endorphins (happy hormones) that reduce anxiety.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP
Just do it! 6 to 8 hours can help your body re-energize itself.

LIMIT NEWS AND TV TIME
For those who are more prone to anxiety, listening to the news for hours a day and getting news updates on your phone could give you more to worry about.  Limit news phone apps and don’t turn the tv on right before bed.    

CHANGE YOUR SCENE
Isolation is not good. Get out among people or in nature, so you’re not alone with your own mind.

1) Surprise a child.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily chores that we forget that children need to be remembered too.  Teenagers often feel left out on Valentine’s Day.  Making someone happy (especially when its unexpected) has a euphoric effect on you too.  It’s happiness shared twice. 

2) Cheer someone up…a) send a heartfelt Valentine card to someone who has really inspired you and tell them how much they mean to you, b) make a homemade Valentine card and send it to a favorite relative that you haven’t seen in a while, c) send flowers or candy to someone who doesn’t have a sweetheart, and sign it anonymous, d) make a Valentine’s basket and send it to a family that has gone through a difficult time and sign it, From Your Guardian Angel, and e) take your little niece, nephew, or cousin out for ice cream. 

3) Volunteer…Valentine’s Day is all about love, and nothing spreads the love faster than a little volunteer work.  Find a place to volunteer or just spend some time with an elderly relative (nursing homes are great too).  After all, if you can’t find a date, you’d might as well make all of your romantically-inclined friends feel shallow. 

4) Take a yoga class…If you are feeling heartbroken this Valentine’s Day, a yoga class will literally teach you how to open your heart again.  And most instructors are totally patient with people who are brand new to the practice. 

5) Walk a foster puppy…If there aren’t any humans nearby who are looking for love, give your heart to someone of a different species.  Animal shelters often lend out their pups for a couple of hours of exercise (and if not, they might need your help at the shelter). 

6) Have a very comedy filled movie marathon…If you’re single, watching romantic movies on Valentine’s Day might put you in a bad mood.  Instead, get a group of friends together and have a laughing good time! Laughter also stimulates hormones that make you feel good!  

7) Make it a girl’s day.  Go out to lunch with your girlfriends, have a cup of coffee and chit-chat about boys, or do dinner with your other single gal-pals.  Valentine’s Day should only be about couples – it should be about love of all kinds.  And what better way to celebrate than the love you have for your pals. 

Hang out with family.  This seems to be a great retreat to any depressing occasion that you don’t want to or can’t partake in.  Sitting on mom and dad’s couch, for instance, will be so comforting.  Top it off with a cup of cocoa and you’ll just reminisce about the times you were young and could care less for Valentine’s. 

9) Since you aren’t spending money on a girl or guy, spend it on yourself.  Treat yourself to a massage, manicure, pedicure, or all three!  Don’t forget to take Mom, a sister, or a best pal along. 

10) Don’t be envious of other couples. Valentine’s – schmalentines.  Did you ever stop to think that a lot of those guys and girls out during the holiday may have lots of problems?  Just because they’re eating a meal together on February 14, doesn’t mean they’re happier than you.  In fact, some are propbably quite the opposite. 

11) Enjoy yourself.  No matter what you do on this day – or any day for that matter – always enjoy yourself.  You may not have that “other half” that attached people have, but does that mean your life is any less fabulous?  No way!  To each their own, and love your life. 

12) Spend the day celebrating True Love.  Not that junk they try to tell you will make you feel better – the real thing should be celebrated every day.  Go find a couple that have been married for a long time (think twenty, thirty years) and ask for stories of how they met and when they got married.  It will make you smile.

–Lisa Mueller is currently studying psychology at Liberty University. She is interning with HPPofGA and will be obtaining her degree in 2012.

1“Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.” 

Forgiveness does not mean the other person is not responsible for their harmful actions toward you.  Forgiveness does not mean that you must stay in contact with that person if it was that serious. Forgiveness is your proclamation that “I will not continue to let you hold me emotionally captive!” 

2Results from experiments tracking the outcome of forgiveness interventions show that forgiveness:

• leads to improved emotions 
• lowers rate of psychiatric illness 
• lowers physical stress responses (i.e. rising blood pressure) thereby improving physical well-being and leading to a greater sense of personal control 
• facilitates the restoration of relationship closeness 

Holding unforgiveness is like swallowing poison. You are ingesting a substance that poisons the very container that is holding it, one cell at a time.

How to start your journey toward forgiveness:

1. Evaluate the value of forgiveness and its benefits in your life. How might it change you and thereby those connected to you?
2. Look at the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, and how this has affected you mentally, physically and spiritually.
3. When you’re ready, actively choose to forgive the person. Make a declaration to yourself that you are choosing to be free from emotional bondage and that past hurt will not hold you captive. Declare this as often as you need to.
4. See yourself as victorious instead of filling the role of victim. 
5. Seek continued support from friends, family, religious affiliation, or counseling professional.

Depression is caused by an imbalance of the chemicals in our brain called neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters contribute to our feelings of well-being, and when there is a decrease of these neurotransmitters we can be left with feelings of overwhelming hopelessness. Dopamine gives us a sense of pleasure, and with depression Dopamine levels are low; this explains why some individuals are unable to experience pleasure from previously pleasurable activities.

Ways Exercise Helps Alleviate Depression:

Studies continuously find that exercising for 30 to 40 minutes three times a week can combat depression by having an immediate effect on mood. The feelings of well-being that occur during and after a workout are caused by the release of our body’s natural painkillers, endorphins. Exercise also increases energy, improves sleep patterns, boost confidence and self-esteem as well as decreases stress and anxiety, all which contribute to mental health. It also creates a routine that exposes you to social situations which can elevate your mood. Exercise may also help keep depression from coming back once you are feeling good.

   

The next wave of children and adolescents are experiencing a new school year this month.  While starting a new school year can be stressful on parents it can also be a stressful time for children. New schools, teachers, classmates, subjects to study, grades, and getting from the locker to class before the bell rings. This time can be particularly overwhelming for children who are facing major transitions such as starting elementary school or entering middle or high school. As a parent there steps you can take to support your child as he or she heads back to school.

• Let your child know it is ok to be nervous. Parents with younger children may let your child take a special object to school to make his or her surroundings more comfortable.

• Attend school functions and stay involved in your child’s education. Children whose parents are more involved are at an advantage in the school performance and may have an easier time adjusting. 

• Get to know how your child develops socially and emotionally by making time to talk with your child regularly. Make it a point to lay aside one-on-one time just for you and your child, that includes positive supportive statements that highlight the good in your child. If you are aware of what’s typical behavior and thoughts for your child’s stage of life, you will be able to tell more readily when things may not be right.

• Encourage your child to become involved with school activities and try new things.

Anxiety and stress about starting school is normal for a child and usually passes within the first few days or weeks. If your child continues to seem anxious or stressed, it may be time to seek help.  If problems persist, consider reaching out to a trained and qualified mental health professional.

Wife, Sister, Friend, Aunt, Employee, Employer, Bottle Warmer, Diaper Changer, House Cook, Tear Wiper, Taxi Driver, Comforter… 

There are so many titles that moms have today, it’s no wonder a little stress (or A LOT) may fall your way.  I frequently meet moms who set rather high standards and goals for juggling all the titles they posses, in order to make sure everyone else is happy. After all, that’s what moms do right? Hmmm. When they are not able to meet these monumental goals, they are disappointed and stressed. 

Stress can come from many sources, in addition to constant high expectations of yourself. If by chance you are a mom that doesn’t have a strong support system to lean on then you may experience increased amounts of stress. 

The University of Rochester completed a study. They followed 169 diverse children for 3 years. The findings of their study were published in a journal called Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine. The researchers discovered that continuous parent and family stress can increase strep infections and other illnesses in children.  It also appears that children effected by chronic parent and family stress experience and increase in their natural killer (NK) cell function. NK cell function is the part of the body’s immune system that prepares to kill germs that don’t belong, unlike adults, whose function is decreased with chronic stress.

So maybe chronic stress is good for my child since the immune system increases those natural killer cells right?  Well let’s put it this way, using the heart as an example. When you get into a situation that frightens you, your heart may start racing, pumping blood to all the organs needed to help you flee danger. However, if that heart doesn’t stop racing, over time it starts to exhaust it’s strength and wears down. That is true for the immune system functions too.

So how can you turn the S on your chest from STRESS to SERENITY? Well let’s try these 5 steps for starters:

Step 1 Secure a Support System – Some of you may have great supports but others may not be able to identify their supports as easily.  Friends, Family, Siblings, Online Friends, Social Groups, Religious Groups. Identify YOUR supports.

Step 2 Say No – It’s wonderful to be the person others can count on. It’s nice to volunteer when you see there is a need. However, it’s not really helping YOU if you are not being truthful with yourself about whether you really have the time and strength to do the task. Saying no should not be seen as a negative. If you are continuously stressing yourself out because you say yes, even when you really don’t have the time and/or resources, then it’s time to try a little “no”.

Step 3 Take Time Out During the Day- Daily, you should have “Mommy Time” to allow your mind and body to rejuvenate.  Whether it’s 15 minutes or an hour, the world will not stop if you take time for yourself but you and others can suffer if you don’t.

Step 4 Encourage Yourself – Positive self talk can have a great effect in regards to emotional well being. “I am doing a great job with the skills I have” “I didn’t get it right today but every second presents a new chance, let’s see what I can do differently tomorrow” “It’s ok if I don’t get things done like ____________, my pace works good for me and that’s ok” “Being a mom is no simple task and I’m doing it! I am some kind of awesome”.

Step 4 Face, Hair, and Dress – Whether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom, taking care of your appearance can actually help you feel better about yourself. Tailor it to your style. Try a little lip gloss or lip stick. A different hair cut or style can help. Do your clothes make you feel good about you? Whether it’s the playground or the workplace take pride in your appearance and boost yourself up a few points.

Step 5 Laugh – It’s a simple little exercise but laughter has great healing and relaxing power. Essentially because it releases endorphins, a hormone that acts as a natural pain and stress reliever.  Laugh at yourself,  get a good comedy dvd and watch it, call one of your supports and act silly, get creative and laugh.

In the midst of these activities, how much time do you make for family, children, and/or significant others?  If you are feeling overwhelmed and wish you could clone yourself several times to accomplish everything, consider the following:

1. Set boundaries that you can stick to!  If work ends at 5pm but people are still calling you 24/7 when do you need to stop answering work calls? (Hint the answer is not 10pm but maybe it’s 5pm or 6pm)

2. Consider your family goals.  Is your goal to provide for your family? There are many ways to provide, other than financial. How you are providing when it comes to emotional and intellectual needs? How often do you just sit and listen to the members of the family share their day, play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk, just laugh?

**If you have never heard the Harry Chapin song, “Cats in the Cradle” I suggest you listen and read the lyrics. Putting off your family today could lay the foundation for them to mimic you in the future.

3.Take personal time to relax.  What is that? You don’t have time to relax? You feel lazy if you allow yourself to rest?

Taking personal time is a great way to restore balance to your day and all you need is at least the time it takes for a lunch break. During this time evaluate your daily and weekly goals. Think about where you need more balance in your day or week and make adjustments.

Who hasn’t experienced hard times, when they were feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of life? Many of us have learned different ways of resolving those overwhelming feelings. Retail therapy anyone? Food? Work more? Drinking? Lashing out at others? Depending on friends and family to help you solve it? At times we have taken part in a few of these options.

There are so many ways that we invest our time and money in trying to find solutions that will help us feel better. Often times the effects of these stress relievers lasts for a moment and doesn’t get to the true issue(s) going on. Sometimes we fail to realize that many of these temporary fixes lead to other problems: Debt, Health Issues, Isolation from family and friends, Addiction, Damaged relationships. Have you tried a more permanent relief to your challenges? Try seeing a therapist.

Let us give you 5 reasons why seeing a therapist is one of the best ways to help you enhance your quality of life.

1. Release the weight of holding on to private issues and struggles all by yourself. Your therapist would listen and support you in the process of releasing that weight and helping you discover ways to move on.
2. Learn more about your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors so that you can be more aware of how you effect yourself and the world around you. This may help you establish techniques to reach the goals you have for your life.
3. Help you to understand the people in your life better, create better connections with them, and/or learn how to set stronger boundaries with them.
4. As you continue to learn more about yourself and the world around you, you have the potential to increase peace of mind, comfort, and sense of security.
5. REDUCE Stress, Sadness, Fear, Grief, Addiction, Anger and INCREASE Understanding, Peace, Joy, Laughter, Self value
worth.

Investing in your own mental health can have effects that outreach any temporary fix!