How do you manage to start healing when you lose someone you love suddenly? 

Boston Marathon, Mental health challenges, Illness, Accidents, and many more events have caused people to leave this earth without warning.  As the person now living without your loved one, you may be left with many questions and a range of emotions. How do you begin to handle it all?  First, let me tell you right now, there is no specific way to heal from the unexpected lose of a loved one.  No text book solution that shows you how it is suppose to be done.  Some people cry for several days in a row.  Others may go into survival mode and shut out memories, just so they can manage to carry on with life.  You will have to listen to your inner self, allow healing to occur at your own pace, and let yourself be supported in the process.

While there is no textbook way to heal, there are things to consider during the healing process:

• You did enough, do not feel guilty.  “Maybe I should have called more”, “I shouldn’t have argued with them before they left”, “I didn’t say I love you that day”, and “Did I do all I could have?” are fine questions to ask but they usually serve a self-criticizing purpose vs. just being self-aware.  You are not all knowing, all seeing, and you cannot be everywhere at one time.  If that were the case, you probably would have prevented it from happening.

• It is okay to be angry, you are human after all.  Anger is a natural emotion in response to a perceived injustice.  It is perfectly okay to feel this way.

• Being angry does not mean you don’t love them.  It means you are hurting and/or upset at the actions that took place.

• If you feel a sense of relief, you are not a bad person.  Sometimes the person who died suddenly carried life challenges that brought on heavy burdens to those who loved them most.  Just because you feel a sense of relief from those burdens, does not mean you are relieved your loved one is gone.

• Do not allow yourself to be alone for too long.  While it is okay to be alone with your thoughts initially, you do not want to start isolating yourself from the world. 

• You can still say “goodbye” or “see you again some day” in your own way.  People have funerals, write letters, send off balloons, spread ashes over the ocean, create a memory journal, give parties in their loved ones honor, and many other things.  Do what you feel will honor them, in the way you need to.

• They don’t have to be forgotten if you don’t want them to be.  As time goes on, some people experience diminished memories of their loved one.  They may notice some aspects of the person are not as clear as they want them to be.  If this is the case, you can start recording those memories via voice recording, written format, art journal, scrapebook, or in another fashion.  That way you keep a record of their life that will never fade away.

by Camille McDaniel, LPC, NCC

Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what an individual receives, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives. In the process, people usually recognize that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. As a result, gratitude also helps people connect to something larger than themselves as individuals – whether to other people, nature, or a higher power.

In positive psychology research,  http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships. 

Ways to Work on Gratitude: 

1.  Write a thank-you note. Nurture your relationship with another person by writing a thank-you letter expressing your enjoyment and appreciation of that person’s impact on your life. Send it or read it in person, if possible. 

Once in a while, write one to yourself.

2. Count your blessings. Pick a time every week to sit down and write about your blessings – reflecting on what went right or what you are grateful for. Sometimes it helps to pick a number – such as three to five things – that you will identify each week. As you write, be specific and think about the sensations you felt when something good happened to you.

3. Pray. People who are religious can use prayer to cultivate gratitude.

4. Meditate. Mindfulness meditation involves focusing on the present moment without judgment. Although people often focus on a word or phrase (such as “peace”), it is also possible to focus on what you’re grateful for (the warmth of the sun, a pleasant sound, etc.).

Webster’s Dictionary defines stigma as, “a mark of shame or discredit”.  Many people who have a emotional and mental health struggles stigmatize themselves or are stigmatized by others. Stigma may be obvious, someone making a negative remark about your mental illness or treatment. It can also be hard to notice, someone assuming you could be unstable, violent, or dangerous because you have a mental health challenges. 

Some individuals view themselves as weak if they are not able to control their mental health challenges on their own. Just as there are some physical health circumstances that cannot be controlled without the assistance of a medical professional, there are certain mental health challenges that require the support and knowledge of a mental health professional.

Lack of understanding and support by family, friends, colleagues or others you know can lead to: 1. Discrimination at work or school 2. Bullying, physical violence, or harassment 3. The belief that you will never be able to overcome certain challenges or that you can’t improve your situation.

Here are some ways you can deal with stigma:

1. Take the most courageous step of all —> Get the help you need. Getting the support of a mental health professional can be difficult.  Don’t let the fear of being “labeled” stop you from seeking help. Treatment can provide relief by identifying what’s wrong and developing a plan to reduce or eliminate symptoms that interfere with your work and personal life.

If your child has an emotional or mental health challenge that affects their education, find out what plans and programs might help. Discrimination against students because of a mental health condition is against the law, and educators at primary, secondary and college levels are required to accommodate students as best they can. Talk to teachers, professors or administrators about the best approach and available resources. If a teacher doesn’t know about a student’s disability, it can lead to barriers with learning, poor grades, and problems with peers and authority.

 2. Don’t let stigma create self-doubt, shame, and/or guilt. Stigma doesn’t just come from others. You may have the mistaken belief that your condition is a sign of personal weakness, or that you should be able to control it without help. Seeking psychological counseling, educating yourself about your condition and connecting with others with mental illness can help you gain self-esteem and overcome destructive self-judgment.

 3. Don’t isolate yourself. This is definitely not the time to have an abundance of pride. Have the courage to confide in positive people who will support you and encourage your efforts. 

 4. Know that you ARE NOT a mental illness. If you had a stomach ache, you wouldn’t say “I am a stomach ache”.  If you struggle with cancer, you don’t say, “I am cancer”. What you do is recognize that you are an individual who happens to be struggling with a stomach ache or cancer. Therefore you say. “I have a stomach ache” or “I have cancer” but you know the stomach ache or the cancer is not all that you have to offer the world.  So if you struggle with depression say “I have clinical depression” instead of “I am depressed”. Instead of saying, “I am schizophrenic” say “I struggle with schizophrenia”.

The words you use to speak about yourself have unbelievable power.

 5. Join a support group. Some local and national groups, such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offer local programs and Internet resources that help reduce stigma by educating people with mental illness, their family members and the general public.  

6. Don’t let stigma continue. When you hear family, friends, or collegues playing into stereotypes regarding mental health, take a stand!  Some stereotypes of mental health come from media outlets which portray mental illness and mental health professionals in ways that promote profit more than truth.

A few stigmas about people who have mental and emotional challenges are:

1. Are violent and uncontrollable   
2. Are not as intelligent as the average person
3. Are depressed helpless women
4. Those without family or friends
5. Homeless

 A few stigmas about mental health professionals are:

1. Unable to maintain professional boundaries
2. Controlling
3. Easily tricked and manipulated
4. Uncaring
5. Having ulterior motives for helping

What is Seasonal Depression?

As we say goodbye to summer and look to fall, many people will start experiencing emotional discomfort. Discomfort that is more serious than just longing for those trips to the pool or beach.

Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs the same time every year. Symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months. While less common, SAD can also cause depression in the spring or early summer.

Don’t ignore that yearly feeling or make light of it by saying, “It’s just a case of cabin fever or winter blues”. It could be that you are experiencing seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Treatment includes light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy, and medications.  If you recognize the symptoms early, you may be able to take preventative measures that help you throughout the year.

Fall and winter seasonal affective disorder symptoms include:

Depression, hopelessness, anxiety, loss of energy, social withdrawal, oversleeping, loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed, appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates, weight gain, and difficulty concentrating and processing information. 

Specific causes of seasonal affective disorder are still unknown. However, with many mental health conditions, genetics, age, and your body’s chemical makeup play a role in developing the condition. A few specific factors that may come into play include:

1. Your biological clock (circadian rhythm). Reduced levels of sunlight in fall and winter may disrupt your body’s internal clock, which lets you know when you should sleep or be awake. 
2. Serotonin levels. A drop in serotonin, a brain chemical that promotes feelings of happiness, might play a role in seasonal affective disorder. Reduced sunlight can cause a drop in serotonin, decreasing feelings of happiness. 

When to see a doctor or therapist

It’s normal to have some days when you feel down. But if you feel down for days at a time and you can’t seem to get motivated to do activities you normally enjoy, see your doctor. This is particularly important if you notice that your sleep patterns and appetite have changed or if you feel hopeless, think about suicide, or find yourself turning to alcohol for comfort or relaxation.

Get ready for your appointment with your doctor or therapist. 

What you can do:

1. Record your symptoms so that you can tell your doctor or mental health provider exactly what they are (e.g.,feeling down or lack of energy, for example).
2. Write information about your depression patterns such as when your depression starts and what seems to make it better or worse.
3. Make a note of any other mental or physical health problems you have, as both can affect mood.
4. Write down any major stressors or life changes you’ve had recently.
5. Make a list of all medications, as well as any vitamins or supplements that you’re taking.

Many parents try so hard to do their parenting best.  Tuck these “Parenting Traps” somewhere safe in your mind.  It will be very helpful as you travel on your parenting journey.

1.  Help everyone stay in their own place on the totem pole.

Consider a totem pole like a hierarchy, everyone has a rank. Examples of bottom, middle, and top rank could be:  Family pet (bottom), Children (middle), Parents (top).  When you change the order, the pole becomes unsteady.  Ways that parents sometimes allow the order to change:  1. Asking your children to make decisions regarding adult family challenges.  2. Letting them know about what the other parent did that angered or hurt you.  3. Asking them to relay messages to the other parent when parents are not on speaking terms.

For example, it may be important to let your children know the family finances have changed and mom and dad may not be able to afford as many fun outings.  However, it is not necessary to let the children know the finances have changed because one parent spent all the money while at the race track and now the non-offending parent has to work another job to make up for their carelessness.  This is information most children get stressed over because they are powerless to resolve the issue.  I have seen children not tell their parents about their own basic needs for fear they would be a burden just like the offending parent.

2.  Teach by example, be the change you want to see.
If children and teens didn’t need examples and direction on how to live, they wouldn’t need you.  What you do will be copied, whether you like it or even know it.  Be aware of what you are doing or saying that might be copied.

3.  No bribes for negative behaviors.
Why would your child do what you say to do when they can do what they want and get something cool out of it when you want them to stop?  You are training them to only listen to you if they get something they like out of it.  

4.  Use Patience and Calm.
I have told this story before but it can be applied over and over.  Years ago, when my god-son was much younger, I babysit while my friend and her husband went out.  I was instructed not to give him any candy because he had enough already.  If he was hungry he could have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, apple, and water or milk.  Cool! Easy enough, right?   Well after his parents left, my god-son wanted more candy.  He must have asked for candy for at least 30 minutes or more.  My answer never changed the first 2-3 times, “You can’t have more candy but you can have …”  After the 3rd time, I would just smile at him, lovingly, and ask if he was ready for his sandwich.  Next, I let him know to only talk to me about food when he wanted the sandwich.  I then continued with my activity and didn’t respond to candy requests.  He sat sulking for awhile.  Later he came for that sandwich, no apple, and milk.  It was a game of patience and calm.  I already knew it was going to be my way so there was no need to stress.

**When it is more complex than this I work with parents to find solutions that fit their families needs.

5.  Put Your Needs First.
While it is necessary to meet your child’s needs you have to take care of yourself first. Why? Well because your child depends on you being healthy and stable, in order for them to be stable.  If you run down, stressed out, always sick, and out of balance, you will not be in a good position to be there for those who depend on you most.
There is a reason why the flight attendant instructs you to place the airbag over YOURSELF FIRST then help the person seated next to you.

6.  Encourage your children to talk to you.
Make time, daily, to hear their joys, hurts, fears, and accomplishments.  Make a big deal out of their successes and be a shoulder when they need to cry.  If you don’t, someone or something will be there for them.  There is no guarantee that it will be the type of influence you want for your children.

Parenting is a tough job!  There are no manuals with specific directions to achieve specific results.  Don’t grow weary in well doing… until we meet again in the next blog.

Summer seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD), sometimes referred to as reverse SAD, is a type of depression that occurs the same time every year.  Symptoms start to form in spring and can end late summer. 

Don’t ignore that yearly feeling or make light of it. It could be that you are experiencing seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Treatment for summer SAD is different than winter SAD, basically including counseling (psychotherapy), and medications.  If you recognize the symptoms early, you may be able to take preventative measures that help you throughout the year.   

Spring and summer seasonal affective disorder (summer depression):
Summer-onset seasonal affective disorder symptoms include:

• Anxiety
• Trouble sleeping (insomnia)
• Irritability
• Agitation
• Weight loss
• Poor appetite
• Increased sex drive

Specific causes of seasonal affective disorder are still unknown. However, with many mental health conditions, genetics, age, and your body’s chemical makeup play a role in developing the condition. 

When to see a doctor or therapist

It’s normal to have some days when you feel down. But if you feel down for days at a time and you can’t seem to get motivated to do activities you normally enjoy, see your doctor. This is particularly important if you notice that your sleep patterns and appetite have changed or if you feel hopeless, think about suicide, or find yourself turning to alcohol for comfort or relaxation.

Getting ready for your appointment with your doctor or therapist. 

What you can do:

1. Record your symptoms so that you can tell your doctor or mental health provider exactly what they are (e.g.,feeling down or lack of energy, for example).
2. Write information about your depression patterns such as when your depression starts and what seems to make it better or worse.
3. Make a note of any other mental or physical health problems you have, as both can affect mood.
4. Write down any major stressors or life changes you’ve had recently.
5. Make a list of all medications, as well as any vitamins or supplements that you’re taking.

“Where Is the Love” is a popular song, recorded by Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway. It was released in 1972 but the question is still relevant today.  At times relationships can seem to lose their luster and shine.  You may stare at your spouse and wonder what you still see in that person.  Now don’t get me wrong, you may still care for that person deeply but where has the feeling of love and attraction gone?

Look at the following 3 areas. Are you already doing these things consistently? You may want to try before you decide there is no love left.

1. Have meaningful conversation with your spouse daily.  Your relationship, like a car, needs fuel to run.  You can gas up the car once but don’t think that will last you for the next 2 months. You have to provide constant fill-ups for the entire time you have the car. Your relationship needs to be filled up with meaningful content regularly.  What type of meaningful content? I’m glad you asked. Not the “What’s for dinner?” or “The air conditioner went out. Can you call the repair man in the morning?” kind of conversation. I mean the kind of conversation that leads to explaining how your day went, what you want to do together on the weekend, what you look forward to doing on date night, how your dreams and goals are changing, etc.   It doesn’t take much to get to a place where you look up one day and realize you really don’t know the person you married that well.  People change over time.

2. Learn to Laugh.  Get back to doing things that the two of you enjoyed. If you can’t remember the last time you enjoyed an activity together then create new activities now, there’s no better time to start.  This will take you back to #1, listed above, because you will need to talk to each other about your interests. Remember, some mental health and physical health diagnoses can change your level of energy, focus, and motivation to be active or have fun. If that is the case, remember to be patient with one another and slowly work your way into activities that may not require as much energy like short walks in your neighborhood, a drive around town with the windows down and your favorite music playing,  park your car and have a picnic, or look at the sky while trying to guess what animal or thing the clouds look like <—bet you haven’t done that last one since 1st grade

 3. Be open to constructive feedback.  Don’t be so quick to get offended when someone says you hurt their feelings or they feel you are being cold toward them. It doesn’t mean you are inadequate as a person. It just means the other person has interpreted your actions or words in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Learn to talk about how your behaviors make others feel and vice versa. Then work on compromise and resolution.

By: Camille McDaniel, LPC, NCC, CPCS

I know this saying is more commonly associated with exercising and plans to get healthy physically “no pain, no gain”.  How fitting then to use this saying in regards to counseling and a desire to get emotionally healthy. There are times in the counseling process where making needed changes is no walk in the sun-filled park. Change is not an easy thing to do.  It can be frightening and painful. It usually involves walking a path never traveled and we all know that many would rather sit in an uncomfortable KNOWN situation than take their chances on the UNKNOWN. Why? Well, because we often want a  guarantee of success, success meaning total peace and happiness.

Although unpleasant in the short-run, emotional pain can be beneficial in the long-run. Just as physical pain tells us something is wrong with our bodies, which should be checked, so emotional pain tells us something is wrong in our lives, which needs to be changed.

Emotional pain forces change. Learning new ways to think and behave can be scary and uncomfortable. Often times, the consequences of ignoring the emotional pain far outweigh the discomfort of facing the pain with the support of counseling.

Pain CAN be used as a catalyst for change:

• A child starts behaving in a manner that does not reflect their normal behaviors. This can be a signal to his/her parents that something is missing or not balanced in their life. The discomfort created for the parents can motivate them to find out what is wrong.  If they wait until their child is much older, it may be too late to do anything about it.
• The pain of feeling alone and without meaning in life may start a person on a spiritual journey that can result in a closer relationship to God.
• Anger in a marriage may mean the spouses’ emotional needs are not being met. The pain created by the anger may cause both parties to work out their differences.
• The grip of depression causes a person to re-examine their needs, values and goals in a search for relief. 

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”
– Lance Armstrong

All relationships go through a “relationship cold” at some point. A time where something has invaded the relation to make it sick.  Relationships get sick over a variety of issues (money, children,  communication,  mental health challenges, safety, feeling unappreciated, and the list goes on).  Some relationships, like people, almost never get sick. On the other hand, some relationships seem to be sick quite frequently.

What can be done for the relationship cold?  Well the answer is not that simple.  Relationships grow out of being a certain kind of person.  We must focus on who we are in our relationships.  Here are a few things to consider when trying to cure a relationship cold:

Be Able To See Another Point Of View

To build good relationships, people have to learn to see the world from another person’s perspective.  The fancy word for this is “empathy,”.   When you take the time to really look at another person’s journey,  you can begin to understand why they might react, feel, and think the way they do in the relationship.  

Learn To See People On Their Level

Do you find yourself annoyed because you feel your significant other should “know better” and you are waiting for them to see the light and change?  Is that person open to change or do they believe they are ok the way they are?  You will constantly disappoint and annoy yourself when you expect a person to give a level 10 performance in the relationship when all they have ever provided was level 7.   A person can only work with the tools that are in their toolbox. If there have been no upgrades to their tool set, they will only have old tools to use.   Remember that.

Listen With Your Ears Not Your Mouth 

At the heart of every good relationship is the ability to listen.  Listening is the art of hearing the message and the emotion tied to what a person is saying.  When you listen you communicate, non-verbally, that you care and the person is important enough to be heard. Talking over people, jumping to conclusions, telling people how they should and should not feel, is not good listening.  People who have good relationships take the time to hear what the other person is saying.  They also know how to respond. Sometimes a simple reflection of “I think I hear you saying….” or “From your tone it seems that really upset you…” can really make a positive difference.

Be Someone Who Is Safe 

Relationships are built on trust, which includes feelings of security.  If people do not feel safe, there is no hope of them ever opening up fully.  There are ways to practice safety with your words and actions.  Don’t make promises that can not easily be kept,  do not physically harm the other, and do not use revenge.

When The Going Gets Tough, Don’t Be The First One Trying To Leave

**If your idea of “ When The Going Gets Tough” means a domestic violence situation, then this section does not apply to you. You must think of YOUR SAFETY FIRST.**

If we are mature enough, relationship illness can lead to a deeper, more genuine, and more authentic relationship than before.  In conflict, we are faced with harsh realities that exist within our relationship dynamic. We have the option to destroy the negatives,  as a team with our significant other,  and gain a deeper understanding of how to keep our relationship healthy.

Knows When To Call It Quits

Sometimes a relationship is terminally ill.  If you are in a relationship where you are constantly trying to win the person’s approval,  never feel loved or accepted,  try to pay back hurt for hurt,  don’t feel like changing, then the relationship is probably not a good one.  Recognize when it is time to part ways and start a new journey before the situation create severe emotional and/or physical damages that limit you, your gifts, and your life purpose.